my mom asked me point blank today what I think has caused me to gain so much weight / i wanna live beyond flesh and bone but for now i feel absolutely enslaved by my body. i dare not speak until i am smaller

last day working at washington. i will remember j’s newfound confidence around water and a showing me his approximation of each color of the slip n slide. i will also remember the budding bullies, as early as 5 years old

i wonder why from the youngest of ages getting older was so fearful to me. and i think it’s bc i immediately fastened beauty to youth, inextricable. now - my fingers loosen on my will to live as my twenties ripen and rot like plath’s figs

talk jj (afraid of the rain) about pineapple rain and it might have cured him. we will find out. little moments. pushing through to the end of the year