a man named jake curled himself around me in every hour of the morning. he woke me with water-sweet kisses. my neck is bruised deep and sore from his attentions. he leaves and i shove my bed back into place. he leaves and i stew in a light panic the whole day. it’s a beach day—ava and elaine and a girl named jess and i go to rockaway. i’m trying so hard to be polite and likable. i don’t think i succeed, but it’s hard when i’m so anxious my skin hurts. the skin under my eyes, my upper lip. raw and keening and fragile like the rest of me. so i drink a cold brew because i am fucking stupid and wonder what’s happening to me when i cant stop bouncing my leg and spiraling. i think i’ve developed a kind of health anxiety and it’s so, so bad today.

i got cigarettes today. because i wanted to

life is beautiful because you make it